


it's just you and i tonight

by infinitely_merthur



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Good Uther Pendragon (Merlin), M/M, No Spoilers, selective mutism
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-23
Updated: 2019-07-23
Packaged: 2020-07-12 02:56:27
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,404
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19939072
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/infinitely_merthur/pseuds/infinitely_merthur
Summary: Lance knew about Arthur’s interest in the oh-so-mysterious Merlin and tried to get his two friends together in celebrations, parties, and bars. There was only one small, teeny tiny (huge, gigantic, MASSIVE) problem: Arthur could not speak.





	it's just you and i tonight

**Author's Note:**

> i'm not so sure about this one, but hope you like this!
> 
> (btw, be sure to read end notes! i wrote some important stuff)

Arthur was at a party.

Why? He didn’t even know. Maybe because he heard that the beautiful raven-haired boy with icy blue eyes would be going to the party, too. Or maybe because Lancelot was good at convincing people and it was impossible to say no to him. It was definitely the latter.

At the party, Arthur made sure to never leave Lancelot’s side. Not even when all he wanted to do was talk to the beautiful blue eyes but knew he couldn’t.

Music was blaring from the speakers. It was ear-shattering; Arthur would be surprised if his ears weren’t damaged by the end of the party! Everyone had a drink in their hand or making out with their partner. Arthur, on the other hand, was making sure he would not sip anything. Drunk Arthur was something that was reserved for Lancelot only. Drunk Arthur was there when the two of them were up after midnight and all Arthur wanted to do was cry and get his mind off of everything.

The party was at Valiant's large backyard. There was a pool, a lot of beer, laser lights, and much more. Perks of being rich – something Arthur knew all too well but also deeply despised. His father was a world-famous actor who starred in countless popular movies. Uther always ended up playing the lead role. He had wanted his son to be a successful actor like him but it never worked out. Uther was incredibly understanding of it and helped Arthur no matter what; yet still, all Arthur ever wished for was to be the perfect son.

Everyone tried to make their way toward the soundless blond, but they were either trampled by the crowd or Lancelot would go on bodyguard mode and shove them away. Or Arthur would simply ignore them until they lost interest in him.

Arthur never dated; he never kissed and never slept with anyone. It wasn’t that he did not want to, he just couldn’t. His only friend – literally ever – was Lancelot. They met in their first year of high school. Arthur was an impossible person to hang out with but Lance was perfectly fine with it. He never rushed Arthur, never made him do something he was uncomfortable with, and above all, he was always supportive and never judgemental.

Lancelot was Arthur’s voice. Especially since he could rarely use his.

The crowd was getting too overwhelming so Arthur decided to head out of the house, away from everyone.

Arthur’s legs carried him to a lamp post that stood in front of Valiant’s house. The light was blinding in the night, but it was either this or going back to the intolerable party. It was a chilly night and he was grateful he had remembered to wear his hoodie. Arthur found himself reaching for his pocket and cursed himself when he only felt his phone. He should have brought his airpods with him, even though he knew it was a party and there would be no escape from the loud music.

He could still hear the speakers blasting and guessed he would still be able to hear it when he was kilometers away. Maybe the rest of the world was complaining about them already.

“Finding Hope?” A voice asked from behind.

Arthur decided to ignore him. He felt guilty but he could not turn around to the boy. He’d expect Arthur to talk and talking was never an option.

That’s exactly what Arthur was planning on doing when he realized he recognized the voice. And so, with his entire body smoldering and telling him not to do it, he turned his head to face the owner of the voice. 

It was Blue Eyes.

Merlin.

And all the air in Arthur’s lungs left without a warning. Rude.

“Your hoodie,” Blue Eyes – Merlin – said. “It’s a lyric from Finding Hope, right?”

Arthur’s entire body felt like it was in flames. Why was he so nervous over a boy he never even crossed paths with? Oh right, because of Lancelot.

Merlin was an incredibly close friend of Lancelot’s. Whenever they hung out, Lance would return to Arthur with new stories of the bubbly Blue Eyes. “He tried climbing a tree and almost broke his arm.” “He has a pet cat. Look at this video of Merlin cuddling Mr. Whiskers!” “Merlin spilled ice cream all over himself. Again.” And so on. Arthur first thought the boy as ridiculous. He had large ears, a very cheery personality, he seemed to trip on air all the time, and always spilled ice cream on himself. But Arthur found himself intrigued by Merlin. He seemed to have a luminous aura around him which attracted all kinds of people. You could never be bored when you were around Merlin, and he seemed the understanding type. Merlin was in two of Arthur’s classes – writing and history. He could not get enough of Merlin’s smile. He brought happiness into each class; it warmed Arthur’s heart.

Lance knew about Arthur’s interest in the oh-so-mysterious Merlin and tried to get his two friends together in celebrations, parties, and bars. There was only one small, teeny tiny (huge, gigantic, MASSIVE) problem: Arthur could not speak. He could only have a proper conversation with his father and half-sister, Morgana, and he still struggled to form a proper sentence while talking to Lance.

Arthur nodded his head to Merlin and averted his eyes. His hoodie had “baby it’s 3 AM” written on it. It was Arthur’s favorite song.

The air felt tight between them (or that’s how Arthur felt). He wanted to disappear.

He hated feeling like this – feeling so small, not having the ability to do what you want to do. He wanted to open his mouth and talk; instead, his shoulders tensed and his eyes suddenly seemed to find the ground more interesting than the world above. He wanted to yell. Frustration was boiling inside his stomach; how could he not talk? It was so simple. What was he so afraid of? His therapist told him he would never get better if he didn’t try. He had to try. But it was so difficult. He was going to be stuck with selective mutism all his life. Tears began pooling in his eyes, which almost made Arthur laugh. He was definitely in a pitiful state.

“What a crowd tonight, huh?”

Merlin was trying small talk. Don’t bother, Arthur wanted to say. He did not nod this time, even if it meant he looked rude in Merlin’s eyes. Even if he felt guilty and pathetic. Even if he wanted out of this hell.

But he had to try. What better time than the present?

“You aren’t much of a talker, huh?”

No, he was not. Arthur was sure Merlin had heard rumors from people in the campus. Everyone wanted to know why a famous actor’s son never talked.

“That’s alright, though. I’ve got enough conversation in me for both of us. People say I am a huge chatterbox and I don’t blame them. I talk so much that I’m surprised people aren’t sick of me,” Merlin paused to chuckle. Butterflies erupted in Arthur’s stomach. “I like talking; I like speaking my mind. It’s… I don’t know. You could call it a passion, I guess. Which sounds dumb. Maybe? Nah, it doesn’t. I also tend to speak my thoughts out loud which annoys everyone.” It didn’t annoy Arthur. “I never know when to shut up. Like, ever. It’s kind of a problem. Am I annoying you? I probably am. God, you probably came out here for some quiet alone time and here’s me, Merlin, the clumsy idiot, blurting out whatever comes to my mind. I could shut up. Should I? I probably – definitely – should. Right. I’ll stop talking now.”

Arthur wanted to smile, wanted to tell Merlin that it was okay. That his voice was soothing and he loved listening to it. It was very calming and he found himself lost in it. Arthur wanted to tell him that he shouldn’t worry about talking. Especially since it was something Arthur lacked.

Arthur opened his mouth and tried to force a sound out of him. He knew he was obligated to speak. He couldn’t leave Merlin hanging. But he also couldn’t talk.  _ Yes, you can. You do it with Uther, Morgana, and Lancelot. It was just another person _ . What’s the worst that could happen?

The second Arthur thought that, all the scenarios popped into his head: he could stammer; he might not form a proper sentence or not make sense; Merlin could laugh at him; he could make a complete fool of himself; he might panic in the middle of his sentence and run; he might start crying. Arthur felt the entire world closing in on him. Why did this have to be so hard? His palms began to sweat and he felt himself slipping from reality. He could not be having a panic attack in front of Merlin. Why had he agreed to come to this party in the first place? It was stupid. He should have seen this coming.

He tried to calm himself. Inhale, exhale. Inhale, exhale. In one, two, three, and out one, two, three. He should have brought his airpods with him. Listening to music always calmed Arthur down when he was panicking. Instead, he did the next best thing: he pinched himself. Hard. He dug his nails into his skin as he felt the pain shoot up from his arm. It was a bad coping mechanism, Arthur was aware of it, but it always worked; nevertheless, he knew he had to stop pinching himself so often.

“...breathe Arthur, just breathe. You’re doing great.”

When he looked up, he saw Blue Eyes gazing down at him.

“I’m staying with you until you feel better, okay? Do you need me to do anything?”

Arthur tried pointing to the lyrics on his hoodie with tremulous fingers – he had to listen to music. He never felt himself relax without having songs flood his ears. (The music coming from the backyard was incredibly unhelpful).

Merlin seemed to understand after a couple of seconds of confusion. He immediately pulled out his phone and opened "3 AM" by Finding Hope. He played song after song, sometimes switching to artists Arthur never knew of – artists which had soothing voices and calm music styles. Ten minutes later, Arthur felt a lot better.

They were both sat on the ground with their music playing in the background; though the songs were loud in the backyard, the ones coming from Merlin’s phone could still be heard.

Silence with a touch of lachrymose fell on the two. To shut up the loud noises in his head, Arthur thought it would be best to admire the activities going around him. It was always what he did when he had a panic attack or felt stressed. The wind was making the trees dance; their leaves were waving at him, saying hello. There were a couple of people walking and his eyes decided to follow them. Where were they going? Maybe they were part of a top-secret investigation. Maybe they were aliens in disguise! Who knew? A woman walked out of her house with a leash in her hand and a dog leading the way. She seemed to be too invested in her phone to be paying attention to the world. Her dog kept barking, wanting to walk faster, to run. The woman just kept clicking away. Arthur felt a pang of sadness for the dog.

“My aunt has social anxiety,” Merlin said, breaking the silence. “It used to be bad. Like, really really bad, but she’s better now. A lot better. She still has her downs, but she’s able to avoid staying in the house for a long time. She used to get panic attacks from going to a social event or like, the mall. She would do everything she could to avoid panicking but it only made her worse. Because what you’re going through won’t get any better if you’re avoiding it, y’know? Anyway, sometimes we could see her but most days, she’d be locked up in her room. It sucked because I loved her. We would play all the time. But for a few years, she was very closed off. I was eight so I didn’t quite understand why, but now I do.

It’s hard for some people and easy for others. Not everything is the same for everyone. I do know that everyone struggles with a lot of stuff – some more than others. And that’s okay.”

You tried to talk, didn’t you?” Arthur nodded. It’d be stupid if he tried to deny it. “You know, it’s very brave of you to come to this party. There are a lot of people and many of them tried talking to you even when you ignored them. You also tried talking to me! That’s huge, you know. You may be thinking ‘why is this strange boy with big ears even talking to me and telling me all this?’ Well, let me tell you one thing: I do believe that you are going to get through this. It’s tough, but what you did today was courageous. Even if you had a panic attack you still tried, right? And that’s what matters. So yeah, you are a brave cookie.”

Arthur didn’t lookup. He didn’t smile or move. He didn’t know what to do.

“There’s a park nearby, it’s a lot quieter than here and we can just listen to music. If you want.”

Arthur wanted it. So bad.

He nodded slightly, his eyes following an ant that was making its way to the road.  _ You’ll get crushed by a car, little guy. Don’t go _ . Arthur wanted to say. He didn’t. Instead, he bent his knees and waited for the ant to climb onto his hand. The ant’s little legs felt ticklish but thankfully, before he could start giggling, he found the nearest leaf and let the ant climb off his hand.

“How very brave of you. I can’t pick up ants without feeling weird. I hate insects.”

Arthur didn’t hate them; he found them fascinating. They were weird creatures, he’d admit that, but he also found himself observing them a lot.

Arthur followed Blue Eyes to the nearby park. With Merlin’s voice dancing out of his mouth as soft music played from his phone, Arthur felt serene.

**Author's Note:**

> selective mutism is an anxiety disorder that is the inability to speak. it starts in early childhood (around the ages of 2-4) aka the age when children start school; due to the fact that it is expected for children to speak in school (ask questions, talk in front of the class, talk to people outside of their family, etc) it can cause them to be nervous and under stress, sometimes to the point where they develop selective mutism. however, selective mutism is NOT only for children. if it is left untreated it can develop into adulthood which can cause the person to be uncomfortable in many situations which is requires them to speak. people with selective mutism may come off as rude because they are not able to respond to their peers; they avoid eye contact, come off as disinterested, they seem withdrawn, and they tense up. certain situations could be extremely frustrating for them and therefore this could lead to aggression or temper tantrums when they arrive home (an environment they are comfortable in). people with selective mutism may speak to 1 or 2 people. these people are the ones whom they are the most comfortable with.
> 
> **i never had selective mutism. if i have gotten something wrong in this fic, i am so sorry! this is all from researching and watching several youtube videos. i wanted to write this because many people are unaware of what selective mutism truly is and therefore when they write their own fic, it is completely wrong. my advice for you is to research. if it a topic you know NOTHING about, you cannot just assume what it is or else you will be giving out wrong information. and to those of you who may know anyone with selective mutism: PLEASE be kind and understanding!


End file.
